40 Lessons I Learned Before Turning 40: Lesson 02

02: Expectation 

If you know me, you know that I have always expected a lot from myself. I wanted to do things well.

I wanted to be good at what I do. I often wanted to be at least among the best. I used to tell myself, “If other people can do it, why can't I?”

At the time, I thought that was a good thing. I thought I was motivating myself to keep going, to work harder, to become better. But I didn't realize that sometimes, the person putting the most pressure on me was me.

I remember one of my lowest points. I became slower at work. I couldn't focus the way I used to. I felt tired all the time, and somehow, I felt so far away from myself. Like I was watching someone else live my life. I kept asking, "Where is the old me?" "Why can't I be productive like I used to?" "What's wrong with me?"

And instead of listening to myself, I pushed harder. I ignored the tiredness in my body. I ignored the heaviness in my mind. I kept going even when a part of me was quietly asking for a break. And every negative comment about myself somehow became another reason to believe that I wasn't doing enough.

Looking back, I wish I had been kinder to that version of me. Because I am many versions of myself.

There is the version of me who is ambitious and full of energy. But there is also the version who gets tired. the one who sometimes struggles just to get through the day.

And I am still me. All of it. Every single version.

I have to learn to accept myself in my quieter seasons. to be patient when I'm not at my best, to rest without guilt, to speak to myself with the same tenderness I would offer someone I love.

- Lesson 02 of 40