A heart too small to hold it all

There are days when I sit quietly and realize just how blessed I am, and my heart feels too small to hold all the gratitude I have.

Alhamdulillah.

To my family. 

My mother, whose love I still don't have words for. 

My father, whose quiet strength taught me what safety feels like. 

My brothers, who teased me and protected me in the same breath. 

My nephews and nieces, who remind me that joy is simple. 

My aunts, my uncles, my cousins, and every soul who shares my blood. 

Thank you. 

Thank you for loving me in ways I could never repay. Thank you for protecting me when I was weak, carrying me when I couldn't walk on my own, celebrating my joys as if they were yours, and never letting me feel alone. You have been my home long before I ever understood what home truly meant.

If Allah ever asks me to name His greatest gift to me after my breath, after my faith I will not hesitate. I will say your names. All of you. Because I cannot think of heaven without thinking of you.

And to my friends,

The ones I call family, 

The ones who found me and decided to stay, 

You have loved me without expecting anything in return except my happiness. You didn't have to love me. But you did. Fiercely. Unconditionally. Through my messy seasons, through my quiet storms, through my loudest joys. You showed up. You stayed up. You remembered me when I forgot myself. Even when the miles grew long, your love never shortened.  I often wonder what I ever did to deserve souls as beautiful as yours. Perhaps I never will know. But I thank Allah every single day for writing you into my story.

And to the ones I no longer talk to, 

The ones whose names still sit gently in my chest like old photographs,

Whose paths no longer run beside mine. 

I know we drifted. I know life pulled us in different directions. We don't laugh the same way anymore. We don't share the same silences. And maybe we never will again. But love doesn't just disappear because distance grows. It changes shape, yes. But it doesn't leave.

Once, you were my safe place. You held my secrets. You knew the sound of my real laugh. You were there for the versions of me that no longer exist. And I remember. I remember everything. The small moments, the inside jokes, the late nights where we talked about nothing and everything. Those chapters are still sacred to me. Time cannot touch them.

If you ever wonder if I've forgotten you, please know, I haven't. You never lost your place in my heart. I carry you with me like a quiet prayer. I still think of you when certain songs play. I still hope life has been soft with you. I still miss the us that once was and I am so, so grateful that we ever existed at all. 

To every soul who has loved me, believed in me, protected me, forgiven me, held me, or simply stayed, you have been among Allah's greatest gifts to me. I could spend a lifetime saying thank you, and my words would still run out before my gratitude does.

And if I have ever hurt you unintentionally, carelessly, or in moments when I didn't know how to be better, I am truly deeply sorry.

I'm sorry I wasn't always the daughter my parents deserved.

I'm sorry I wasn't always the sister my brothers could lean on.

I'm sorry I wasn't always the aunt, the niece, the cousin, the friend that you needed me to be.

I'm sorry for the times I was distracted, distant, or too caught up in my own world to see yours. I'm sorry for the love I didn't say out loud, for the appreciation I kept inside. I'm sorry if I ever made you feel small, unseen, or unloved. That was never who I wanted to be.

Please know that your kindness was never lost on me. Not once. Not ever. I saw it. I felt it. And it shaped me.

Tomorrow is not promised. We don't know how many more sunsets we'll share, how many more hello's or goodbye's Allah has written for us. So while I still have breath in my lungs and love in my heart I want to say this, plainly and fully:

I love you. With every scarred, hopeful, fragile piece of me.

I thank Allah for you. Not lightly, but deeply, like a prayer I'll never stop saying.

And if I am remembered for anything long after I'm gone, I pray it's this: that I loved you with the whole heart Allah gave me. That I tried. That I showed up. That I never let you doubt your place in my life. 

Alhamdulillah. For every soul He entrusted to my life. For every hand that held mine. For every heart that let me in. For this life, and for the love that fills it.

Alhamdulillah.